Kicked her to the curb! - The Whole Story

Ok, since all of you, I am sure are now dying to find out why it is that things went south so quickly after date #4, I will now expound on the subject. (This could end up to be a long post, reader beware.)

First of all, you will need some background on me in order to understand what it is that I am going to tell you later.

My ex-wife had many mental and emotional issues. The worst of which was D.I.D. (dissociative identity disorder), more commonly know as multiple personalities. {Just in case you are wondering I had no idea about this until after we were divorced.} As you might have guessed this makes for an interesting marriage, since each personality had a different age, sex, and race. I was able to count 11, and I know the names of 4 of them. Furthermore, the events that caused her to acquire this disorder as a child were horrific to say the least. Since she was in total denial regarding these events, she was unable to properly deal with them emotional. This caused her to take all of her anger and frustration out on me, instead of on who it rightfully belonged to.

She was an absolute master at manipulation. If she couldn't do it by sneakiness, she would resort to fear and intimidation, and if that didn't work she would degrade and belittle you until you just gave in, in order to make her stop.

I have spent many years recovering from this, and have had help from professionals, and anonymous organizations. Today, I can say that I have recovered wonderfully, and am ready for a new relationship. Which is exactly why I joined eHarmony.

You also need to know that when I first met my ex-wife, and subsequently her family, I kept getting these little gut feelings. I didn't understand them, because everything seemed so wonderful, so I just overlooked them altogether. BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!

Through my recovery I have discovered why I was having those feelings and why I chose not to listen to them. I vowed that if I ever got into a relationship again, I would have my antenna out, and be dragging my towed sonar array, on the lookout for disfunction so as not to repeat the same mistakes again.

Now fast forward to just after date #4, (Please keep in mind that in addition to the 4 dates who spoke for at least an hour every day.) I had been struggling with the fact that I really liked K, and that I really enjoyed spending time with her. Furthermore, things seemed to be progressing to the point of reaching the next level in the near future, BUT I was still getting all of these little gut feelings. (For me, it really is my gut.) Anyway, because of my antenna, and towed sonar array, I had been analyzing things as I went along. More to the point, when I got one of those feelings I would immediately think to myself, now just what is happening at this very moment that is making me feel this way? Then I would look closely at on my drive back home.

What it gets down to is this: 1. K is mean spirited with her children, she says it is just joking around. 2. K is also very much in control when we are together. Nothing happens unless it is was she wants. Furthermore, she uses manipulation to get this done for herself. 3. She often joked about woman withholding sex if they didn't get what they wanted from their man.

I called her on Thursday, and talked to her about it. I started out just by telling her that I was uncomfortable with the relationship and that I was not certain that we should continue to see each other. Of course she asked why, and I asked if she remembered me telling her that I had not listened to my gut the first time and that mistake had gotten me a lot of grief and turmoil, in addition to a broken heart. She said, yes she did, but wanted to know why I was feeling this way.

I really didn't want to go into it because, in my opinion, what I thought would only server to hurt her feelings if I shared it with her, and I told her so. She said that she really liked me and wanted to get this out in the open, so that we could discuss it.

I very diplomaticly told her how I felt, and she responded with her thoughts. As she did so, my gut started to tell me yet again that there was a little manipulation going on here. Furthermore, I wasn't to thrilled with her rebuttals either, since they pretty much consisted of, " Well, I don't think I am that way."

I continued to tell her that I was not comfortable with this, as she tried to convince me of her case. However, she finally said, "Well, if you aren't comfortable with this, it doesn't seem to be the right match for you, and I don't want to push you into something you don't want to do." I thanked her for being nice about it, and she thanked me for handling this the way I did, since I could have just stopped answering her calls and emails.

There is sooooo much more that I left out, but I didn't want to write an epistle. I do, however, want you to know that I do not feel like I am making K pay for the sins of my ex-wife. I only judged this relationship on it's own merits, through the filter of my marriage.

If you want to know more about why I made this choice, click here to read more about the book I am currently reading called Blink. It basically, explains why what everyone calls gut feelings aren't gut feeling at all. It is one of those things that is very hard to put into words, without writing a book about it. You'll just have to click on the link and read for yourself.